Things to do While All of Your Friends are at Bonnaroo Without You

Once a year, in the early days of spring, I find myself surrounded by talk of the artist line-up for the upcoming Bonnaroo festival. Not only that, but who’s bringing what tents and how expensive the RV is going to be, etc. Naturally, knowing that I have no chance to attend, I blow the whole idea off. I think to myself, “Can’t these kids get a life? Who seriously has the vacation days to drive to Tennessee for a super long weekend, get drunk, probably take experimental drugs, and see live music and comedy all weekend?”

Now, I can’t justify saving up somewhere near a grand to take such a trip, nor can I condone the use of experimental drugs on a public blog, but I can admit that my belittling thoughts toward the festival-goers dearest to me are fueled primarily by jealousy. Let’s face it, the atmosphere of such a legendary festival is lively and entertaining as it is, but the killer line-up of performers (we know, “not as good as last year”) and the fact that no self respecting human can deny a good road trip makes the whole thing seem irresistible.

And when the time comes and they all take off for the volunteer state, I sit in my cubicle wondering what I can do to NOT dwell on the fact that instead of seeing Arcade Fire, The Strokes, Man Man etc etc, I’m here in the sticky inferno that is Philadelphia watching what’s left of my soul sweat through my jeans. Hence, my list of things to do while all of your friends are at Bonnaroo without you. If you’re reading this, you obviously are either the biggest AP fan alive OR you aren’t at Bonnaroo and can maybe take some of this advice into account.

1. Play with the Les Paul Google Doodle
In honor of the late great Les Paul, Google changed their emblem to playable guitar strings. You can strum them with your mouse or the top row of keys on your keyboard and even record a little ditty and send it to one of your friends via email. It’s easily the most addictive thing I’ve done this week and it catches like wild fire. I texted my friend who is down at Bonnaroo now saying, “Swing by my office at about 4:30 for the third floor jam sesh man!” If his phone isn’t dead, I hope he’ll get a little jealous.

2. Find a rich friend of a friend who has a membership to the Arrow Swim Club
You may find yourself in the bottom of a large swimming pool. You may find yourself in the presence of half naked Northern Libertines. And you may find yourself surrounded by drunk, semi-tight bodied douche bags. And you may ask yourself “Oh my God, how did I get here?” But all the piss in the world won’t keep you out of that pool with a heat index in the upper 90s.

3. Go to Dorney Park/Wild Water Kingdom.
Because they are still super fun and Sesame Place would be way too creepy.

4. Go to the movies
Always a great option. Dark room, comfy chairs and enough air conditioning to make you consider long sleeves. Also, that new Woody Allen movie looks pretty good.

5. Watch sports
Yes, it is hot as shit. But try and think of those freezing winter days when you wished you could hang outside for more than 10 minutes at a time without getting frost bite and enjoy the sun at a local sporting event. The Phillies spend the weekend at home against the stinking Cubs and the Union (who in their second season are actually really good) take on Real Salt Lake on Saturday afternoon. Even if you can’t take the weather, get to the nearest watering hole and catch the NBA or NHL finals!

6. Create a Grooveshark playlist containing all of the acts at the festival and sit in the corner with high heels and lipstick on sobbing and rocking back and forth. (Not recommended)

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Mark Schaffer

Having spent his formative years immersed in the classics, Mark Schaffer is both a self-taught and degree-wielding musician. When he's not working his nine-to-five, he's busy trying to break the direct correlation between his mental stability and the success of the Phillies.

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