Despite my general disdain for crowds and/or excitable individuals who scream continuously for no apparent reason, I’ve actually made my way down to Xfinity Live on three separate occasions during the past month.
Blame it on my love of 90’s rock (Third Eye Blind played the grand opening), my need for post-Phillies game refreshment or my compulsion to watch the Flyers alongside 3000 of my closest friends; whatever it is, my experiences have made me realize what must be done to survive the chaos that is Philly’s newest game day hub.
But, while we can’t cut down on all the bro’d-out bros wearing seven Polos, waffle shirts (aka long-sleeved wife beaters) or T-shirts emblazoned with “U MAD BRO?,” we can help you navigate the flesh maze a bit more fluidly.
How to Be an Xfinity Live Pro-Bro
1. Pick the right line: The main entrance on Pattison Avenue is usually 50+ people deep. Head to the back (near the Wells Fargo Center) for swift entry; and yes, we know we just sacrificed our best secret for the benefit of the masses.
2. Be late: Parking is free an hour into the last game of the day.
3. Don’t trust anyone: Contrary to what you’ve been told, you don’t need to wait in the admission line once you’ve been inside. Flash your wrist stamp at any bouncer who will listen; eventually, someone who knows what they’re doing will let you back into Bullies without a hitch.
4. Cut through the bathroom hallway to make your way between the bars in half the time; just don’t break the seal on your way there–unless you plan on sticking inside, a three-game day could mean the difference between sweet relief and being stuck in a porta potty line when the venue hits maximum capacity.
5. Bring cash for cabs: Drivers at the stadiums will refuse service to anyone paying in plastic, leaving you semi-inebriated and on the verge of an epic tantrum in your post-game haze.
6. Use the Buddy System: When terrible cell reception meets THE LOUDEST PLACE EVER, you’ll likely find yourself stranded without your doting friends’ attention.
7. If you find yourself in PBR, remember that anything you do on the mechanical bull is being video’d somewhere, somehow and will inevitably end up on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and/or the news.
8. Leave your flip flops at home: Someone WILL spill a drink on/near you, at which point your sandals turn into slippery pads of danger and you WILL end up on the ground with a bad case of beerfoot.
9. At least pretend like you have your sh*t together: The no-mercy bouncers will kick you out if you seem even remotely unaware of your surroundings. Trust us, we know.
10. Bring a black sharpie: (Note: if you can’t read into this one, you don’t deserve to.)
Photo via Urban Setting