Queen Elizabeth’s youngest son, Prince Edward, will be in Philadelphia today, meeting with participants in the Duke of Edinburgh’s Award International Association at Girard College and generally classin’ up our contextually crap town. But how will a regal react to Philly’s decidedly un-regal hospitality? Granted, his mutterings will probably never go beyond his small circle of minders, but we can still make a few uneducated guesses.
Things Prince Edward Will Mutter During His Visit to Philadelphia (Probably)
1. “I dare say, I was envisaging a bit more from a hashery that calls itself ‘Crown Fried Chicken.’ There’s nothing at all royal about these chicken rings.”
2. “Gerald, what does “jawns two for five” mean? Why is the French Ambassador so popular here?”
3. “What do they call this? Scrapple, you say? (Pushes fork around plate.) I am certain my horse, Pattingdon von Cricket, enjoys finer meals than this…”
4. “Melinda my good lady, what, pray tell, is a ‘hipster?’ You don’t say: I never thought I’d see the day when gypsy clothing was considered high fashion.”
5. “Does it always reek of garbage and the sweat of slaves?
6. “Shall we take a walking tour of LOVE Park? Lucy, retrieve my mahogany walking cane, forthwith!”
7. “Which way to the local ivory emporium? A cutpurse has thieved my cufflinks!”
8.”Mary? Yes, I’m here in Philadelphia and I spotted my first genuine crack house! Thrilling, really.”
9. “I’ll take your finest frankinsense oil, good sir. Quite convenient these perfumers on the Underground.”
10. Oh get on with it, I want to check out Xfinity Live and indulge in my first jalapeno popper.”