Meet the Philadelphia Green Party’s Presidential Nominee, Roseanne Barr

Yes, this actually happened. Last week, the Green Party of Philadelphia met at the epicenter of local politics, the Buzz Cafe in Kensington, for a political caucus. Were not really sure what transpired, but when smoke cleared, Roseanne Barr emerged as their official nominee for president.

Two things: 1) When did Roseanne Barr start running for president and 2) are you f*cking kidding me? My interest in Roseanne starts and ends with that hypnotic blanket from her sitcom.

A quick search for her political platform shows that she’s firmly aligned with the Occupy Movement. She wants to close the income gap between one percenters and the 99%; she wants to legalize the dank, forgive student loans, obliterate the Federal Reserve and the Electoral College, institute single-payer healthcare, make everyone eat more nuts, and fight for gay rights- she’s essentially a pinko-millenial’s wet dream.

But she’s also bat shit crazy, albeit in a half-clever, subverted kind of way. So, we’ve compiled a few of her rants, taken (un)fairly out of context from her next sitcom blog, Roseanne’s World.

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“Fertilizing my nuts today!”

“My first act as President and Prime Minister will be to re-configure all Maritime Law. Nothing will move anywhere for a while, as Nemesis is achieved. I will become the Pirate Queen, making Corporate Piracy on the High Seas a High Crime.”

“God Bless You Corey Feldman!”

“this is the moon of Scorpio-where by mental alchemy we can turn bitter to sweet…”

“Patriarchy is impotent, and qualitatively unable to solve even the simplest problems in the Cosmos, such as picking up its own socks, or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking directly out of it.”

“… legalize marijuana too, and let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctor’s pills which destroy the liver.”

“In American, for speaking truth, women are called Bitches. I seek for next Mother’s Day, a march of One Million American Bitches who can get the job done–the job of getting the food to the hungry kids in this country and thereby creating real wealth, as well as saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.”

“WITH THE NECESSARY RE-EDUCATION CAMPS, we’ll reinforce the shocking idea that the guilty must pay for their crimes, even if they are wealthy or hiding behind God. It’s imperative that children see their guilty leaders punished, otherwise they grow up to think it OK to rob and hurt and offend, and that you can get away with it simply because you are rich or a priest.”

“Just ten of the world’s Jewish Billionaires have more than enough to transform the occupied territories. American Jews who support the settlements in Palestinian territories will be required to go and live in them, freeing up their homes in Beverly Hills for Palestinians who may choose to leave their homelands.”

“As POTUS and PMOI, I will shut down those who make the Jewish People their Moral Hostages…namely the Rothschild banking family, who coincidentally are the reason people hate the Jews!!”

“Global Warming is real, and so is the fact that our government is spraying reflective materials in the sky to try to avert it at the same time they are denying that it exists–DOUBLESPEAK!!”

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AroundPhilly Staff

When we're not browsing Reddit or preparing TPS reports, the Aroundphilly.com staff likes to bring you freshly-sliced internets for your viewing pleasure. If you have an idea for an article or really awesome photos of Nabi, send us an email at editorial@aycmedia.com.

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