10 Tips for John Bolaris’ Replacement

Now that John Bolaris is out at Fox 29, the city is in dire need of another big man on campus to keep us enthralled with weekly sexual conquests and outlandish tales of Eastern European con women. Unfortunately, Bolaris’ replacement doesn’t seem to be equipped with Bolaris’ signature animal magnetism. In fact, the guy seems pretty normal (I guess he could be normaling, though).

His name is Scott Williams and his interests include, “Coldplay, Stevie Wonder, Switchfoot, Usher and Alicia Keys.” Ok. A former Weather Channel host, Williams knew he wanted to be a meteorologist when, as a small boy, he was mesmerized by Hurricane Hugo. Similarly, John Bolaris was bitten by the weather bug when, as an adolescent, he realized that it was great way to “meet chicks.”

Listen, Williams, you’re the new kid in town, and you’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill. So, here’s a few tips to help you assimilate to the Philadelphia media scene.

1. If you lie to us about a big snow storm, there will be an even bigger shit storm on your front door step the next morning. Also, it will probably get you fired.

2. Be nice to Glenn Schwartz; they call him “The Hurricane” for a reason.

3. Never, under any circumstances, trust Tim Lake. He is a cyborg sent from the future to harvest human flesh.

4. If you do anything to hurt Sue Serio, we will never forgive you.

5. Pay no mind to Mike Jerrick, none of us do.

6. Do not RSVP to one of Rick Williams’ “dinner parties.” It’s a trap.

7. If Jim Gartner offers you a Werther’s candy, take it: It will make you immortal.

8. Be mindful of your mannerisms in front of  the green screen.

9. Contrary to what he tells you, Terry Ruggles is not the “only clown you’d want for your kid’s birthday party.”

10. If you run into Larry Mendte in a dark alley, turn the other way and run.

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