Oh, don’t look at us like that. A little public romp between cocktails never hurt anybody, except maybe that older lady who walked in on us that time at the Cantina. Fortunately, if you feel the urge, many of the restrooms at our local bars, clubs and restaurants are happy to offer a private respite to have some fun between apps and entrees. Here are some bathrooms around town we think might make for an interesting evening. We swear we’re not speaking from personal experience.


For exhibitionists: Paradigm
Come on. You know any list about bathrooms must include the peep shows at Paradigm. We remember going to this unabashedly glam Old City lounge underage in the early millennium and thinking we were the coolest. The martini list and Jersey-fied crowd isn’t all that relevant anymore, but the bathrooms are still the best place in town for a quick tryst. They’re roomy, spotless and the doors are actually LCD panels that fog over when you lock the door… and stay transparent when you don’t.


For size queens: Marigold Kitchen
Last time we visited this beloved West Philly BYOB, it took us 10 minutes to figure out how to work the light (there’s a dimmer on the wall). While peeing in the dark, we realized "Wow, this super-spacious potty would make an excellent spot for a bit of impromptu nookie." (Yes, we have problems.) The dimmer sets the mood (and makes your date look skinnier), there’s plenty of room to accommodate all the best positions and the custom stone sink with an automatic waterfall faucet makes cleaning up fun. Don’t worry about looking conspicuous; the academic literati dining on shrimp and grits are so into themselves they’ll never notice you’re gone.


For carnivores: Barclay Prime
What is it about Starr’s boutique steakhouse that just gets the primal urges going? The red wine flowing liberally. The bloody cuts of beef. Jeri Ryan sitting at the table across the room. Good ole’ Stevie knew what he was doing installing a swank unisex bathroom here. There’s no need to even be shady. Why wouldn’t you be heading toward the bathroom together?


For mile-high members: Jose Pistola’s
The bathrooms at this pseudo-Mexican watering hole are so hard to get to you’d think the owners want you to hold it 'til you get home. On the second floor, you can cram your way through the masses toward a single door all the way by the back of the bar, then scale the creaky switchback stairs to the third level restrooms. It’s hard enough when sober, let alone drunk like most of Pistola’s clientele of Belgian-beer-lovin’ mid-level managers and the hipster staff’s tattooed comrades. The bathrooms are gross, but on the plus side, if you’re there at happy hour everyone will be too bombed to notice you and your mate have been in there for a half hour.


For keeping it clean: Zot
Some peeps like to keep it PG-13 in the sack, and though these folks probably aren’t the type to once get busy in a Burger King bathroom, they might find their sense of adventure awakened by a pseudo-sexual metaphor. No? Anywho, those crazy Belgians at Zot have just unveiled Zotikot, a second-story wine bar above the restaurant. Located behind the bar, the white-and-baby-blue-tiled bathroom is furnished with a claw-foot tub, should you feel so guilty about a public romp that you need to wash the sins away. Of course, the beer spillage from the taps drains into the tub, so you’d basically be taking a bath in Delirium and Kwak. Not necessarily a bad thing. Cleanliness is, after all, next to godliness.