Most of you already know that Philadelphia is a notoriously dangerous city. I mean, we’re the same town that brought you Fox News’ Dave Schratwizer–the guy that is more badass than all of Topeka Kansas combined. Every day in Philadelphia people are murdered for petty amounts of cash and our structures generally tend to collapse causing horrendous pedestrian tragedies. The potential for catastrophe is also lurking right under our feet; throughout the city there are a number of roads and intersections that serve as virtual death traps that daring Philadelphians have to navigate like the advanced level of Frogger. Yes, I know what you’re thinking: our roads seem harmless compared to the ill-conceived clusterfuck that is the New Jersey road system, but that false sense of security can easily be shattered by one careless stroll across our local weapon of mass destruction affectionately titled the Roosevelt Boulevard.
It’s difficult believe
Jersey doesn’t make this list, but Philadelphia was found to be one of the most dangerous cities for pedestrians and drivers in an State Farm Insurance report. Interestingly enough, two intersections, less than a mile away from each other, made the No. 2 and No. 3 slots: where Red Lion intersects with the Boulevard and where Grant meets the Boulevard. With statistics like these, the Boulevard seems more like a satellite portal to depths of hell rather than a multi-lane highway. Check out the list of Philly’s most dangerous intersections and prepare yourself for the inevitable
Carmageddon of 2019.
Red Lion Road and Roosevelt Boulevard
Just about any intersection running through the 18-lane soul-incinerator or “Roosevelt Boulevard,” is about as safe as a bow hunting trip with Gary Busey. But this intersection has the distinguished honor of being the second most dangerous in the country according to State farm’s study. I mean, just look at the quarter mile pedestrian walk that crosses multiple lanes of traffic with only a sliver of median–I’d have better luck avoiding oncoming traffic by jumping over each car rather than stopping on this glorified death stand.
Spring Garden Tunnel
Many of you seeking a quick and easy route into West Philly have probably used this ill-conceived tunnel that resembles a steel birth canal. For starters, you have to have the agility of Cris Angel to maneuver through its excruciatingly narrow lane; one false move and you’ll get turned around with absolutely no hope for escape. Also notice how the oddly positioned, ambiguously marked turn-off allows for virtually no advanced warning of oncoming traffic. The other traffic could be blue for all I know. Every time I enter this tunnel I barely escape being sideswiped by the oncoming traffic coming from the right. Fun fact: this tunnel was the original inspiration for Sylvester Stallone’s movie Daylight.
Grant and Roosevelt Boulevard
Perhaps a little better than the Red Lion intersection, Grant and the Boulevard is only the third most dangerous intersection in the nation. That must be a relief to the pedestrians who walk a few blocks down from Red Lion for a safer means to cross the street. Forget jumping off a bridge to commit suicide, the easiest way to kill yourself would be to walk diagonal across this intersection. The danger at Grant and the Boulevard is also present for motorist as well. Notice the charred remains of the unlucky driver who dared to turn left on what he or she thought was the correct one-way street.
12th and Spring Garden
Long ago some Philadelphia city planner trying to protect the ancient relics and secret spices of Chinatown concocted this ass-backwards intersection to keep the rest of the city from conveniently entering the area. This seemingly innocuous intersection calls for the utmost attention as obscurely placed traffic lights and dividers assault your senses much like a Lil‘ Wayne concert. Notice the almost cruelly placed pedestrian reststop luring unsuspecting pedestrians into the middle of the intersection so that they can have an extra moment to regret their life choices before being ripped apart by traffic.
Art Museum Drive
Art Museum Drive is another fatal driving hazard for Philly motorists. For starters, roundabouts are about as easy to understand as Carson Daily’s fame, and all drivers drift over 3 to 4 lanes on the curves without looking. 9 times out of 10 this torrent of metal and rubber will spit you out in the opposite cardinal direction you intended to go. About seven lanes merge into one bloated, self-perpetuating mass of confusion and anger that I can only imagine resembles a private meeting with Alec Baldwin. They shouldn’t even bother painting lines on this road, there should just be a large skull and crossbones with the word Thunder-Dome beneath it.
Anywhere on Girard
Perhaps the only characteristic that surpasses Girard’s infamy is it’s unique ability to cause life-threatening car accidents at less than 25 mph. To begin, there’s never a good way to tell that your not headed straight for an oncoming trolley as meandering lanes and randomly placed trolley stops can bewilder drivers, inducing vertigo. But it wouldn’t make a difference even if there were clearly marked lanes because you your car would still slip on those goddamn trolley tracks. (Who takes the trolley anymore, by the way? What is this, the 1920’s).
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