Gold diggers are sex workers who don’t have the balls to make it a career. If strippers are the varsity team, then gold diggers are second string JV. Strippers need to locate the wealthiest man in the club and seduce him out of his money as quickly as possible. (Rinse, repeat.) Gold diggers do this outside of the club every day, they just work at a much slower pace and usually only target one poor fella’ at a time.
Gold diggers are pathetic, vapid creatures who attempt to mix sex and love for dinner at Parc and a pair of Louboutins. Being involved with a gold digger is dangerous for your heart and your wallet. When you muddle your normal life into a concoction fueled by money and material things, you’re in for one really bad mojito. Here’s a list of known hangouts for those of you who want to see a real-live gold digger. Cheers!
Rouge
This one’s easy. The Rouge gold digger is the staple of our city. She lingers by the bar alone or with a girlfriend, sipping anything bubbly or pink. The Rouge gold digger may even be found at an outdoor table, discussing plastic surgery with former gold diggers, now lonely cougars, looking un-amused with their botox faces.
Parc
This is an aquarium of gold diggers, all different shapes and sizes and IQ’s ranging from below freezing to genius. You’ll definitely run into a gaggle of strippers here trying to bait new clients. Either way, all of these girls look better on their backs. Have the valet leave your Benz out front and you’re guaranteed a threesome.
Del Frisco’s
This gold digger favorite has not just one, but two bars to sink their teeth into. It’s the perfect location to snag a wealthy lad, as its located in the midst of many powerful offices. The girls here are a little subtler with their venom. They’re dressed more sophisticated and can handle their liquor better than any of those Rouge girls. Be wary boys!
Clues She Might Be A Gold Digger
What she says: “So, like, (pause for gum snapping) what kind of car do you drive?”
Digger or not: Unless she’s an auto mechanic or Danika Patrick, this is a red flag that you have a gold digger on your hands.
What you do: Buy her another fruitylicious shot, take her home and do her proper. E-mailing me pictures of her naked is optional.
What she says: “I forgot my wallet.”
Digger or not: It’s hard to say. If this becomes a habit, you may have a digger on your hands. If she is sincerely apologetic and offers to pay next time, you’re in the clear.
What you do: Tell her its ok, but keep your guard up.
What she says: “I just loooove Boyds. I could shop there all day long.”
Digger or not: If all she talks about is shopping and her line of work is in no affiliation to the fashion industry, she’s definitely a gold digger.
What you do: Punch her in the boobs. If she is extremely materialistic, she is more than likely very insecure. Politely end this. We don’t want her breaking out her stalker Barbie tendencies.
What she says: “I don’t know how I am going to pay my rent/car payment/cell phone bill.”
Digger or not: She’s looking for someone to take care of her financially. Most women won’t admit this inherent truth, but gold diggers will take no shame in asking for your help (read: monthly, guaranteed deposits).
What you do: Taking care of her is the easy way out. She’ll never learn financial stability. If you care about her, offer to help look at her bills. Teach her how to manage her money and to budget accordingly.
AroundPhilly Staff
