Michael Vick To Join Harrisburg Police Dept?

Some people ride bikes, some knit; others turn to watercolors and backgammon. We all have our trivial hobbies to keep existential despair at bay.

Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, can’t legally practice his favorite pastime anymore: dogfighting. So, what’s a million-dollar athlete with expert aim supposed to do to relieve stress off field? Well, for one, the Harrisburg police department is in need of a few good sharpshooters.

Yes, the same legal system that once locked him away for murdering dogs, could, in fact, use his help to do exactly that: murder dogs.

As reported by Salon, “The city of Harrisburg, Pa., learned this last week when an internal police department memo went public, instructing officers of the cash-strapped city to stop bringing its growing number of stray dogs to the shelter. Instead, it said, they should release them in another area, adopt them themselves — or just put a bullet in them.”

Bullets are always cheaper than food and shelter.

Police have been know to eradicate so-called “pests” in this fashion before, much to the chagrin of every PETA donor ever. In New Orleans, for instance, police snipers go a-huntin’ for nutria in the backs of pickup trucks, which patrol the watery trenches of the Big Easy. Hell, they even televised it on Insomniac with Dave Attell. Attell, eating from a bag of Doritos, surrounded by commandos, quipped, “I’m not even hungry, I’m nervous.

We’ll see if Vick’s thirst for spaniel blood trumps his multimillion dollar NFL contract.

Photographs courtesy of Michael Vick’s Facebook page

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Rodger Holst

Rodger Holst is a freelance writer and documentary filmmaker. Follow him on Twitter: @RodgerHolst

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  • Donstone50

    what a douchebag

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/JB6XNWQB3BONW2LCA5BZKVKSOE believe

    once in the blood, it’s infected and always there… “what? i can kill dogs legally?  sh*t mon!, gimme that rifle, i’d put one in between the eyes”

  • Bleed Green

    This is obviously DMM’s first run-in with satire.

  • RB

    Vick is an insult to garbage!!!!

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/Z7L3QGFKUS5262VD4T5EY4XOZE Vinney N

    this is the kind of creative thinking that gets you a job in journalism?

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