Stop Swimming in Our Feces-Infested Fountains

With temperatures high enough to convince the most raging Tea Party conservative of global warming, you may be tempted to take a dip in one of Philly’s many pristine fountains. This would be a mistake, however, that is, if you’re wont to believe our Parks and Rec Department.

NBC recently contacted Parks and Recreation to get their official word on the, er, epidemic, so that they could craft a phone-baloney story during the dog days of summer when absolutely nothing is happening and absolutely no cares.

The official reason for reaffirmed the swimming ban? Well, turns out it’s kind of dangerous… and also pretty gross.

Since the fountains weren’t designed for our comically poor judgement and equally poor swimming ability, Parks and Rec is concerned that one of us is going to get hurt by, I don’t know, diving into eight inches of water or attempting a back flip off of a slick metal statue.

Also, for obvious reasons, the fountains aren’t cleaned as often as pools should be, so you’re most likely frolicking in dog feces and all sorts of indeterminate excrement.

We should note that just across from the most iconic and illegal Philly swimming holes, Logan Circle, lies Sister Cities Park, which is the only fountain you’re actually allowed to be in. So, go there and avoid the feces.

Source and photos: NBC 10

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Chris Lipczynski

A graduate of Temple University, Chris Lipczynski continually spreads himself too thin, endeavoring in documentary films, “computer music,” first-person shooters, and manly hikes through the wilderness. Follow him on Twitter for daily musings and meaningless philosophical reflections: @RealChrisFlip.

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