Wissahickon Park goers have recently been put on high alert after a rabid raccoon attacked and infected an unidentified person last Thursday in a bathroom near the Valley Green Inn.

The raccoon’s victim is currently being treated for rabies, and, fortunately for those of us who tend to use bathrooms, the assailant has been caught.

This is the 62nd animal rabies recorded case in Philadelphia since 1989.

Park officials encourage anyone who has recently come in contact (i.e. bitten or scratched) by a raccoon to come forward and seek medical attention at once. Also, any animals that have been recently roaming the park grounds, such as unvaccinated dogs, should be taken to their veterinarian immediately to get checked out.

Health Commissioner Donald F. Schwarz confirms to NBC 10 that ”Without prompt preventive treatment, rabies in humans is fatal nearly one hundred percent of the time.”

So, just in case you think you are a Disney character who can evoke wild animals to come huddle around you as you sing, we’d like to note that you are, indeed, not.

Philly is no stranger to murder. But according to this here map, we are, in fact, BFFs- and we have been since the original Bush administration. The image above was taken from a newly created map that contains the location of every known murder in Philadelphia (almost 9,000 total) between 1988 and 2011. I guess we should have expected the frightening blood wave we see before us, since the thing spans 23 years, but we never would have imagined that Philly has more murder-scene square footage than fresh, virgin ground.

You can view the entire map over at Philly.com, if you’re into self-induced agoraphobia.

Comedy is hard and so is politics. So whenever politicians try to merge the two for their own ends, they usually wind up with some horribly acted atrocity that’s about as funny as a third-world natural disaster.

But it seems that somewhere, deep beneath his impenetrable cholesterol-shield, Governor Chris Christie has a funny bone. Sure, he can still lapse into his signature pro-wrestler attitude, but this video clearly proves that Chris Christie can yuck it up with even the classiest and most affable of liberals (I’m referring to Newark Mayor and presumed Tiger Beat cover model, Cory Booker).

Honestly, this is comical and, though we hate to admit, it actually made us warm up to Christie a little bit.

Is the President coming to town? According to Rolling Stone, one of the most powerful men in the hip-hop industry is planning to invite the most powerful politician in the world to Philly’s Made in America music festival (scheduled for September 1^st and 2^nd).

Regarding the President’s invitation, Jay-Z stated, “he probably won’t have time, but I’m absolutely going to ask him…I’m gonna give him a call and I’m gonna try to get him to perform—do a little rendition of Al Green.”

Though the official lineup hasn’t been released just yet, Jay-Z seems to be looking forward to the event- and that can only mean good things. “You’ll see me with a probably a beer in my hand, just enjoying the festivities and the music like everyone else. I’ma try and keep it as normal and simple as possible.”

Sorry Jay, but inviting the President to our city for an extravagant concert on the Parkway is not “normal and simple.” Not to mention the additional possibility of your ultimate-diva wife, Beyoncé, also making an appearance. (Jay-Z says he “tried to put it far enough away on her calendar so that she’d have a little gap in the schedule.”)

Maybe Sasha and Malia can babysit little Blue Ivy while their parents are on stage? That’s be the the normal and simple thing to do.

Read more at Rolling Stone | Photo: AP

Philadelphia officials are growing more agitated over jaywalkers around the City Hall ongoing construction site, as new signs are now in place to remind the impatient of the fines for such unimaginable infractions.

According to Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey, residents are walking out in the street, “in a lane of traffic”, while they should be on the sidewalk and crossing with the stop lights. Although the dangers surrounding the plaza construction zone are widely known, no one has been injured in the area since last year. Today, Ramsey stated that “enforcement action” will be implemented if deemed necessary.

The fine for those adults who need to be reminded not to walk in the middle of the street will be $119.50.

Read more on this story at NewsWorks. Photo: Philly.com, Hidden City

A weird thing happened during Jay-Z and Mayor Nutter’s huge announcement yesterday. Somehow, Philly rapper Freeway (whose flow, sources tell me, is still in effect) managed to get to the side of the stage while Jay-Z was presenting. Apparently, Freeway eschews both rhyming and stage etiquette, because he instantly decided it was ok to awkwardly jump into the limelight- sort of like how a third year senior might after being voted “Most Likely to Become an Amateur Pro Wrestler.”

Ok, this could have been planned, but judging by Jay-Z’s shrug, we’re guess it wasn’t. Check out Jump Philly’s video for a better angle.

For as long as the performer has existed, boorish audiences around the globe have conspired to usurp their moment of glory. It began in ancient Greece, and it continues today in one of the most savage and insipid places on Earth: Philadelphia. Our only hope to unburden the theatric realm of this scourge? Douse these cretins in nature’s most powerful disinfectant: light.

We present to you, Profiles in Heckling…

Hecklers.

I think it was Steve Martin who said, “Distraction is the #1 enemy of a comedy show.” Distractions can come in many different forms, but the big three are bad lighting, shitty sound and hecklers. In my short comedy career, I have come across hecklers of all sizes and shapes. Once, at the Laff House, a hoodlum stood up during my set and screamed out “I’M GONNA F**K YOU UP AFTER THE SHOW!” To which I replied, “I bleed for this comedy shit!” and then he beat the shit out of me (just kidding, I left unharmed).

Most people are at a comedy show to enjoy it, but there’s a select group of morons that are there because they think they’re part of the show. It’s the comedians’ job to get them to pipe down and to do it in the funniest and most creative way possible. I used to tell hecklers to just shut the F**K up, but that only goes so far (just ask my mom).

The woman in the video below was not an average heckler, in fact, after the first minute of me addressing her, she didn’t even know I was talking about her. She was on the complete other side of a long room, so I could hear her talking loudly, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying.

It turns out she was on the phone, speaking some foreign European language (I assume she was talking to one of her mail-order bride friends). She could claim ignorance in that she didn’t know you’re not suppose to talk at a comedy show, but the American who was with her should have had the good sense to tell her to keep it down or, at least, to wait in the trunk.

Please watch and enjoy and keep it down! (Language is NSFW)

Written by Tom Cassidy @CassidyComedy