Philadelphia: Sharp-Tongued Woman: Rittenhouse Cougars

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Sharp-Tongued Woman: Rittenhouse Cougars
January 12, 2009

By: Miss Knickerboxer - Miss@aycmedia.com
A black belt in karate, Miss Knickerboxer was born in a communist USSR during the Cold War. She now lives in Philadelphia and wields a sharp tongue, disdain for Americans (especially most Philadelphians) and a pen knife. Miss is wanted in 24 states and has a warrant out for her arrest in Fairbanks, Alaska, for moose poaching.

Center City MILFS. These cougars are about the only thing I see at Parc, and lately, they've been invading more and more Center City Rittenhouse hangouts.

I suppose the positive is that they give hope to other haggards that they can get a man at any age (tight jeans and low-cut shirt not included). But Helen Mirren-wannabe ego boasts aside, no women born before the creation of the Soviet Union should ever be getting saline, silicone or polypropylene implants in the size D category. Wrinkles on the hands and arms but Cartier balling balls for boobs? Welcome to the world of the Philadelphia MILF, oft seen at such places as Rouge, Capital Grille, where they prance around looking for a free meal ticket or their "soul mate." But why then, dear reader, does this concern myself? Because these baby belugas are swimming in our pool of eligible men.

It's bad enough that marriage and relationships are being made a mockery of every day (affairs more common than scabies at Show & Tel), but these modern-day Golems are looking for their own precious rings, and I'm a little sick of them moving in on my suits.

Stop flaunting your hard-earned divorce settlement money and Joan Shepp wardrobes cut two inches too high or low. We know you're out for your own Metcalfe gardeners, but hunting for meals off Rittenhouse is not only pathetic, but no favor to your dripping triceps. Leave the proper dating to us and get yourself a real meal plan.