Last year’s World Series win turned the normally safe streets of Philadelphia into a chaotic vortex of violence and mayhem the likes of which this city has never seen, well at least since St. Patty‘s Day. Those who dared to venture into chaotic void of the alcohol-frenzied mob and managed to avoid getting a concussion may remember that fateful night as the most infamous in recent Philadelphia history. But what else would you expect from the same town that mercilessly bludgeoned Santa Claus with batteries: a quaint celebratory parade without Cole Hamels dropping the F-bomb in front of the entire city? The fallout of last year was rife with fights, mindless vandalism and numerous head injuries. Though the media vastly underreported the amount of heinous crimes committed that night by the craziest baseballs fans in the world, something tells me this year may be a little different.

Most of you may have heard that the city went to great lengths to try and control the red mass that would have poured out onto the streets like a bum’s open head wound had the Phillies taken the series this year. Our hopes for a good old-fashioned World Series riot are now officially over along with, even worse, our chances of sticking it to millions of inferior Yankees fans. But when the Phils and Eagles regain their certainty next year, and they will, this city will make the 2008 parade look like a Sunday outing with those old ladies in the red hats. My own first-hand experience of last year on Broad Street tells me that when we want to celebrate our home team, we have the power to bring the city to near post-apocalyptic condition. Woman and beer will be bartered for money and your only hope to survive the fallout will be to abandon your loved ones and join in on the blood letting of anything and everything blue or vaguely reminiscent of the ruins of the city formerly known as New York.

Below is a list of what I saw law last year and how each act will be inevitably expanded and improved upon by Phillies fans who just cant seem to keep their pyromaniac tendencies at bay should the Phillies win the World Series ever again.




Poll Climbers
Last Year: These desperate attention-seeking rioters want everyone to physically see how much more of a fan they are compared to the rest of us. So, logically, the only way to do so is to climb a street light pole in and bang metal signs until they are knocked from their perch by a 40-ounce beer. Unfortunately this feat of fandom may be more difficult next year as the city of Philadelphia plans on lubing the poles, much like they do at Show & Tel.

How To Be A Better Fan Next Win: Though it may be difficult, try bringing a moist towel or toilet plungers to scale the greased-up poles without becoming a cripple (nobody wants to party with a paraplegic Phillies fan). Also, try greasing yourself up too, this way if you can’t get a good grip you at least have the chance of sliding up reverse-fireman style with a well-coordinated jump. If that doesn’t work, get yourself a harness, some carabineers and ropes and try to scale Liberty One and gain ultimate vertical superiority over the entire tri-county region.


Bottle Throwers
Last Year: So many fans’ nights were ruined as aimlessly tossed beer bottles flew through the air like glow sticks at a Phish concert only to land on the some mild-mannered female college student who didn’t even want to be there. I have to say, of all the nefarious acts performed that night, this one seems to be the most questionable. I mean, do we really want those beer bottles to land on non-New York fans?

How To Be A Better Fan Next Win: The city this year is trying to ban the sale of glass bottled beverages. But something tells storeowners aren’t going to oblige the city’s request with legions of alcoholic fans threatening to loot and vandalize their stores. So to prepare yourself, try bringing a large helmet this year. Yeah, I know it sounds stupid, but when a 5th of Smirnoff hits your helmet and breaks into a million shards, blinding those around you, you will thank me for the awesome scene of destruction your old bike helmet induced.


Pyromaniacs
Last Year: Anyone attempting to take a nice post-World Series stroll down Broad Street last year was greeted with an inordinate amount of impromptu camp fires. Songs were sung, people were burned, disfigured; it was much like my own summer camp experience (cringe). Remember that the size of your fire determines the amount of pride you have for the your Philly team and in turn reflects on you as a fan. So don’t bother with measly kindling and newspaper or you will be laughed out of the mob.

How To Be A Better Fan Next Win: Try bringing a Christmas tree or, perhaps the starting line-up of the Yankees. I hear A-Rod’s flesh burns magnificently and that Derek Jeter’s tastes great when marinated in barbeque. Fireworks are also welcome just remember to only point them up or at anything blue.


Looters
Last Year: While I roamed around Broad Street last, soaking up the pleasure of mindless vandalism, I found myself with the unique opportunity to witness the looting of Robinson Luggage. It started with a few playful kicks to the glass doors on the entrance but then ended up with full-on loot job. Next year storeowners will be ready to document any and all damages incurred by Phillies fans. So anyone looking to do some real damage should probably think twice or at least wear a ski mask.

How To Be A Better Fan Next Win: Okay, I get that looting is a part of the celebration. But Robinson Luggage? Isn’t there a better store to break into than Robinson Luggage? Appliance stores? Restaurants? Shit, McDonald’s? I think we can be a little more riot savvy next time folks. I mean, if all you get from a World Series win is a useless Louie Vuitton suitcase and brain contusion you’re doing something wrong.


Evil Looking Guys Who Don’t Seem to be Celebrating
Last Year: Everyone once and awhile during last years festivities, I would witness small groups of people wearing trench coats, walking single file through the massive crowd with a look on their faces like they were going to kill anyone who dared invite them to celebrate. These packs of shady people are no doubt taking advantage of the lack of police presence in other areas of the city to do...well, I don’t even want to imagine.

How To Be A Better Fan Next Win: I’m sure that next year will be no different, allowing felons and fugitives a field day for them to get their crime on. But if you see people not wearing red, not smiling and not drinking, you should know the stay out of the way lest you suffer brain damage from receiving a blow to the head with a rusty crowbar.


Crazy Train
Last Year: The subways last year turned into a tunnel of drugs and alcohol, which to me, is how the subway always should be. Making my way to Broad Street was almost as fun as actually celebrating on Broad Street as I was crammed between a nipple-ringed frat boy pounding Natty Light and disheveled festy kid smoking a bubbler. But that’s the power of a World Series win: it has the ability to transform even the most innocuous aspects of Philadelphia, such as the subway, into a 50-mph party cannon with the ability to destroy an entire city’s brain cells. 

How To Be A Better Fan Next Win: One can only imagine the cataclysmic shit bomb that will go off should Septa choose to strike during the nexet World Series win. If this takes place, I say that we still use the subway, just without the trains, and forge a makeshift underground parade of mole people. Call me a sap, but mole people deserves a chance to part take in the celebration too.